In fact, there was a long period of time where I was head over heels in love with it. During that time, I would've done anything for the company I worked for. I'd stay late, occasionally come in early, and did whatever it took to get the job done perfectly. I was so passionate about my job that it was almost to a fault.
My job was a roller coaster ride. One month, things would be great. The next - an absolute disaster. I never really knew where I stood with the company. Despite not feeling like I was part of the team, I came in every day and gave it everything I had. Because that's just what I did.
And then I lost my job.
At first, I didn't know whether to be devastated or relieved. On one hand, I had been stressed out for weeks thinking I was going to lose my job. On the other, my fiancé and I just booked our wedding less than a week ago. How was I supposed to pay for it? I really thought this was my dream job, and I put my heart and soul into my work.
But after a few hours, I realized that I hated my job for much longer than I allowed myself to believe. A lot changed during the 15 months that I was there - including me.
I'd gone from being crazy passionate and loving my job to being completely miserable. I just didn't want to accept it at the time.
It's been a few days, and I realize now that losing my job was the wake-up call that I needed. I'll even go as far as to say that it may have been one of the best things to happen to me professionally. It really forced me to take a step back and look at things from a new perspective. In the process, I learned 3 important lessons.
1. Fear and stress are debilitating
Waking up every day fearing that something bad (like getting fired) is going to happen quickly takes its toll on you. At first, it may just mean that you stop coming into work early and leaving late. But eventually it turns into losing sleep, strained relationships, and self-hate. You'll start making excuses for why things aren't getting done, and your work will suffer because of it. All of this fear leads to additional, unnecessary stress. And eventually, something you once loved becomes something you hate.
2. There's no reason to place blame - on others or yourself
When I got home, the first thing I did was list out all of the things I did wrong. I kept thinking to myself, "if I did this differently or said X instead of Y, maybe I'd still have my job." At the end of the day, yes, I made mistakes. A lot of them. But I was also at my breaking point at the time that I left - and I wasn't afraid to stand up for myself.
At the end of the day, I lost my job for a lot of different reasons. It's important to learn from your mistakes, but spending all that time blaming myself (and others) for what happened wasn't doing me any good. I got to the point that I was being so hard on myself that I was no longer learning. I was just beating myself down. When I stopped the blame game and started accepting the situation, I was able to see things for what they were - not how I was making them out to be.
3. There's a silver lining in every bad situation
I was unhappy for a really long time. But no matter how many times someone told me to leave, I just wouldn't do it. In fact, I'm not sure that I ever would have. Despite all of the bad, I just wanted to make it work. Now that I'm gone, I'm starting to realize that something good will come from this. I don't know what it is just yet, but I know there's a silver lining in there somewhere. I'm just waiting to find it.
I'm not happy that I lost my job, but I have come to peace with the situation. Although I spent the past few days being angry, blaming my former coworkers, and being hard on myself, I now understand that this was probably the best thing that could've happened to me right now. Sure, I'm worried about how I'm going to pay the bills and plan for our wedding, but I know that in the end, it will all work out the way it's supposed to. It always does.
When others are silent, I am loud. I'm a passionate advocate for mental health, and I believe that sharing my story is the best way to break the stigma surrounding mental illness so that people can get the help they deserve. My strengths are my dogs – Hendrix, Khaleesi and Benny – and my hope is that tomorrow can be different.
We're not doctors, therapists, counselors or mental health professionals. We didn't study psychology in school. But wearea group of people living with mental illness, navigating recovery and learning how to take care of ourselves in the process. And because we know what it's like to do it alone, we believe you shouldn't have to.
Fight for Better Tomorrows was built on the belief that tomorrow can be different. We're here to share our stories and help you navigate recovery so you can fight for better tomorrows, too.